The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
We have a winner.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Netflix and you sit over there.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.