I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.