7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
You Might Also Like
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.