Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes