home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”