The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.