God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.