*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I wish this was real life…
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Blew out my flip flop…
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”