[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?