I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.