Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.