Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
See..?
.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
and now we wait
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why