My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
You Might Also Like
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?