A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese