Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
This sounds bad:
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.