Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.