Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Employees must applaud the planets.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.