My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
You Might Also Like
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
It’s actually Dr. whatever
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997