I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Care for your back