[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
You Might Also Like
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?