[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
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They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.