Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.