Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
step 6: release the wall snake
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*