I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Adultry does not sound fun at all
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb