Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.