Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
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If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.