I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Beware of the dog..
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?