I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.