“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Not😆🤣
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.