Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Just a friendly reminder!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?