I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
White parent Vs Arab parents
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
“I’m helping” 😅
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.