Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Great game to play with friends
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal