Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
😆this is so true
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
This kid is going places
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge