car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
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Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Do not steal food from the science building!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My circle of trust is a meatball
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”