Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
You Might Also Like
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.