Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Yes my dude
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*