{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.