A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.