I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
You Might Also Like
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’