*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
just got my engagement photos
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle