[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You Might Also Like
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad