FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.