I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
hmmm
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright