Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’