Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I feel it
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”