It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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titanic
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Dammit Chief not again
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien