Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.