I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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Yep.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Realize this:
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.