QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
😅😅😅
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.