‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..